Saint Zoticus lived during the time of Emperor Constantine, and he worked in the imperial court. When the emperor moved the capital from Rome to Constantinople, St. Zoticus followed, and he received the rank of the magistrate. Feeling increasing dissatisfaction with his secular rank, he devoted his life to faith, and he became a priest. At his home he would take care of many orphans, and soon he began building orphanages and hospitals.
At that time there was a great outbreak of leprosy. The emperor immediately ordered that all lepers should practice social distancing.
Aided by soldiers.
Over a cliff.
Into the sea.
To their deaths.
Okay, now, I know that this sounds tad extreme, and I’m not advocating for it, I’m just saying that, you know, history knows some forms of disease prevention that we didn’t check into due to our spoiled modern sensibilities.
So anyway, St. Zoticus felt bad for the lepers, so he had an idea.
He went to the Emperor, and he said:
“Your Imperial Majesty, your empire is super cool, and in order for everyone to know how cool the empire is, you need a big gaudy crown with tons of jewels on it! You should totally trust me, for you see, I am a crown expert on the side in my off time. Therefore, you should entrust me like bajillion of money for this purpose, so I would procure the jewels for the crown.”
“Ooooh, will it have opals?”
“Yes!”
“Rubies?”
“Emeralds?”
“Naturally!”
“Oh… will it have a huge diamond that will clearly be my weak spot during a boss fight?”
“Er, sure.”
“Will it have peridots?”
“Uh, okay.”
“Will it have tourmalines?”
“Um okay I don’t know what those previous jewels are, buuut I will try to get as many gemstones of the highest quality!”
So, St. Zoticus left with money in hand and… okay, there’s a word for this today, and it’s embezzelment. He essentially went to soldiers and ransomed any leper he could possibly find. He then took them on the other side of Bosphorus, where he established a leprosarium.
Luckily for him, Emperor Constantine died before he inquired about the Crown of Awesomeness.
Unluckily for him, he was inherited by Constantine’s son, Constantius.
Some enemies of Zoticus slandered him before the Emperor, as he didn’t deliver the crown, because God forbid you have some accountability for the huge money handed over to you. So the emperor called Zoticus to his presence.
“Father Zoticus, it seems my father has given you quite a large sum of money for some jewels that were supposed to go into, I quote, ‘a crown of awesomeness.’”
“Yes, your imperial majesty, the jewels are being procured as we speak-”
“Enough talk. Where are the jewels, Zotowski?”
St. Zoticus had no way out, so he told the Emperor that he would show him the jewels if he would be so kind to follow him on the other side of Bosphorus. The Emperor complied, the gleam of jewels already in his eyes.
So they approached a building. Saint Zoticus approached the door. He put his hand on the door handle, and said:
“Behold, Emperor, the jewels of the Church, the living pearls and gemstones that I obtained for the salvation of your soul!”
He opened the door and the Emperor beheld many zombies, I mean lepers, being taken care of by priests, monks and nuns.
So the Emperor had Saint Zoticus tied to a mule and dragged across the city until he died.
When the news of the martyrs death reached the Emperor, he immediately repented of his misdeed, and upon the hill where Saint Zoticus gave up his spirit to Christ our God, a miraculous spring of water appeared. The built a magnificent hospital there, where the work of St. Zoticus continued even after his death.
By the prayers of St. Zoticus the Keeper of Orphans, may the Most Holy Trinity grant us the remission of our many sins, and healing of our ills. Amen.
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